The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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