Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
