my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
