Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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