At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is Oprah even human
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
