I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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