you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
