New low: just hacked my moms facebook
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
