You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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