Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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