We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Watching her eat just hurts me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
