you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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