omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
