In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
