bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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