i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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