how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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