yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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