I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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