i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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