Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
