i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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