he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
