Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
