the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
