My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
