No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
