you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
