If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
