If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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