I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
