I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I fill condoms, not promises.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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