she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
