listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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