he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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