Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
