walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
