I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
