fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
