Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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