I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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