Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The air taste purple.
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