So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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