i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
