all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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