Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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