i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
