just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
we should paint friendship bongs
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