TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
