I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
