I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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